My first professional job was working in the data processing center at a local hospital. Not an overly glamourous job, really. 3pm to 11pm on Saturday and Sunday entering patient charges into the hospital’s mainframe computer and running the nightly billing jobs. A part of that role was to fill in on the hospital’s switchboard when the full time operator needed to take a break. So, a couple of times each evening I would sit on the switchboard and route all of the calls.
To be sure, the worst part of that job was the red phone. If there was an emergency anywhere in the hospital, a staff member would pick up the phone and dial 333. That would tie them directly to the red phone in our office. You knew that anytime the red phone rang what you did next mattered a great deal. You could make a mistake any other time, and route a call to the wrong place with very little consequence, but not when that red phone rang. This was truly a matter of life and death.
There were a variety of reasons why the someone would call in an emergency. Someone’s heart stopping, the need for additional medical staff, a fire somewhere in the hospital. It was that last situation, a fire, that prompted a very specific (and cryptic) response over the hospital-wide intercom. If someone called and reported a fire, your next action as the hospital operator was to page “Dr. Firestone” to the location of the fire. This announcement served three key purposes. First, it alerted hospital staff to the fact that there may be a fire in the hospital. Second, it summoned key personnel to rush to the fire. Third, it prevented hospital patients and visitors from knowing that there was a fire. “Why” (you may ask) “would you not want patients and visitors to know about the fire”. A reasonable question. The ability to safely deal with a dangerous situation, as well as to effectively evacuate all of the patients were two separate but related activities. The last thing that we wanted to create was a hospital wide panic that could lead to an unsafe situation for everyone involved.
I was thinking recently about the relevance of this emergency procedure as it relates to our relationships. In our relationships, it is important to know the “code” words for emergencies in the lives of our family and friends. Here are a few things that are parallel:
1. Know the signs.
Understanding the signs (and even the code words) in our relationships is very important. Your ability to “sense” when something is up can make a big difference. More formally, it is important to identify “key words” in your relationships to help make this more effective. Married couples do this all the time. Their code words for “this party stinks, let’s get the heck out of here” come in many different shapes and sizes, but there are lots of them. These can be quite fun, but coming up with key words for “I am not feeling safe” and “I need you to take this seriously” can be critical.
2. Determine if there is an emergency.
Sometimes at the hospital, someone would call the emergency line, but there was ultimately no emergency. Occasionally people would just dial the number by mistake. Being able to determine if there was an emergency led to the appropriate response.
3. Don’t alert others until it is necessary. (confidentiality is key)
Confidentiality is the key. True, and close, relationships are built on a foundation of intimacy and confidentiality. You may know (or at least suspect) that something is going on, but you should not alert others until it is appropriate.
4. Know How to Respond.
Knowing how to respond to an emergency in the life of a friend or family member is fundamental. The problem, however, is that the variety of different ways to respond is quite high. Intimacy is the key here. You must know how the other person wants to be engaged. What will they respond to? How do they listen? How do they know that they are loved by you? Loved enough for you to take the risk of responding to their need.
Going Further:
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